


Crookshanks is a better name than Freddie Mercury

by Merkey666



Series: 2016 Au [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: 2016 AU, Boyfriends, M/M, One Shot, Ryan accidentally stole a cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 12:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8207317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merkey666/pseuds/Merkey666
Summary: Ryan stole a cat





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is just a drabble i made a while ago and I decided to post it. i might make it into a series of short stories. Tell me if you think i should!

“Brendon, please. Call me now. It’s urgent.” Ryan sighed and slid his phone back into his pocket with one hand. This was the only way he could put his phone away, as in his other hand, was a ginormous orange cat. The cat weighed at least half as much as a twelve year old and it’s fur made up for another three or so pounds. It licked his chops sloppily and shut its eyes.

“Fuck oh my god what am I gonna do?” Ryan asked himself, as he began to rock that cat as though it were a small baby. His phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Brendon.

“Hey Ryan! Wh-“

“Brendon come home immediately. I fucked up.”

“What? Are you okay? Ryan are you safe?” he worriedly asked his boyfriend.

“Yes, yeah, yup, I’m okay, Bren. Just please- we have situation on our hands.” Ryan explained, trying desperately too keep the phrase ‘I accidentally stole a cat’ out of his mouth. 

“Jesus Ryan, you scared me. I thought you got kidnapped or something.”

“Well, kinda.”

“What!? Okay that’s it. I’m coming home right now. Stay where you are.” Ryan gulped and dropped his phone on the floor. 

The cat was now snoring loudly and drooling on his shoulder. He looked around his house desperately. There had got to be something he could put the cat in. An idea popped into his head. He bolted for the stairs to the basement as fast as he could. In the confusion, the cat awoke, startled. In one swift movement, the cat leapt from his arms and bolted around the bend. Ryan was in awe. How a cat so massively overweight could do that, was beyond him. 

He scrambled after the cat, sliding around corners, and diving onto the floor. By the time he had officially lost the cat in his god damn house, he has burned both knees, both elbows, and his hair was sweaty and messy. He collapsed on his back and heaved a great sigh, as he tried to hopelessly catch his breath. He kicked off his shoes and kicked all the furniture as far away from him as possible. He didn’t even care if the stupid cat was under one of them. And then Brendon walked in. 

“Ryan…?” he asked nervously. Ryan blinked once at him, and shot to his feet. He wiped his brow, which only succeeded in adding more cat hair to his face. 

“You look terrible. Are you getting sick? And why is all the furniture everywhere?” Brendon asked, pressing the back of his hand onto Ryan’s forehead.

“Bren I’m fine. Only… not really. I made a mistake.” Ryan mumbled, swatting his hand away. Brendon looked at him, concerned.

“What kind of mistake. I swear to god if you accidentally left the bath on again I’ll-“

“I kinda accidentally stole a cat.” 

“WHAT?” Ryan just waited.

“How do you accidentally steal a cat? Ryan fucking Ross I don’t even know-“ He sighed and looked at Ryan desperately.

“Will you please explain?” he asked weakly. 

“Okay so Spencer and I-“

“Of course Spencer is involved.” 

“Hey!” Ryan snapped. He didn’t like being interrupted. Brendon pinched his brow and let Ryan continue.

“So we went to the spca to look at cute animals, just for fun, okay, cause I know you don’t want a pet. So we walked around and there was this big mean looking old cat and Spencer was like ‘hey it’s you’ so I asked someone if we could meet him just for fun and the person said yes. So she brought out the cat and we played for a while. Then a group of like twenty eighth graders came in and I saw one pull the fire alarm. So the alarm went off and we all had to evacuate and I guess I grabbed the cat and brought him outside, and the next thing I know, the kid who pulled the alarm is blaming me so Spencer and I run to the car and drive home, and I’m still holding the cat and he drops me and the cat off and then I called you.” Ryan took a deep breath.

“I don’t know if I’m hoping this true or not.” Brendon looked broken from this ordeal.

“So you’re telling me that the Spca thinks you pulled a fire alarm for shits and giggles and stole a cat. And- Ryan. Where’s the cat?” he goes dead serious all of the sudden. Ryan pales and turns around. He looks back to Brendon who was scowling at him so harshly, Ryan felt he might crumble.

“Dunno…” he whispered. Brendon just walked away. 

Ryan watched him walk away until he turned the corner into their bedroom and slammed the door. Ryan let out a shaky sigh, and turned to the disheveled living room. He grabbed the back of the couch and began pulling it back to its rightful spot. Suddenly a shrill scream rang out. Ryan bolted to the bedroom and burst through the door.

“Are you oka- Oh my god.” Brendon was on the floor, glaring at him. The cat lay on the bed, sprawled across the pillows, and partially covered in blankets. Ryan looked back to Brendon as the cat burped. 

“I sat on him,” Brendon growled. Ryan couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“I found the cat,” Ryan laughed, pointing at the bed.

“No, my butt did, you asshole.” Ryan burst out laughing once again.

“No, You asshole!” He dropped his arm to his knees for support.

“I’m gonna kick you,” Brendon groaned, dropping back onto the floor. Ryan cackled all the way he walked out of the room, leaving Brendon to sulk in his own hatred. 

At long last, Brendon returned to the living room, where Ryan was sprawled across the couch, asleep. The only real reason he left their room was because the cat had decided the bed wasn’t comfy enough and left. He didn’t want to lose sight of that cat again. The cat trotted over to the couch, belly swinging lowly. Brendon yelped and ran over to try and stop the cat from sitting on Ryan, but he was too late. The cat hopped up onto the couch, and made himself comfy on Ryan’s back. Brendon sat on the edge of the couch and stared at Ryan. His angry mind whirled for a long while, as he contemplated his options. He only got angrier and angrier as he thought up the possible outcomes. He didn’t really like any of them. He hopped off the couch and walked through the kitchen to reach the nearest window. He sighed and looked at the street in front. It was in the city, but there was enough space for it to feel like suburbia. This all made him frustrated. Feeling like giving up on everything, he pulled out his phone and dialed the number Ryan had made him add to his contacts. In case he ‘changed his mind’. Brendon didn’t fancy the idea of having a pet at all, and much less a cat. The line beeped for a few seconds before a friendly voice answered on the other side.

“Spca, how can I help you?” the lady asked. Brendon silently groaned. He sent one last pitiful look at Ryan and the cat.

“Hello?” the lady repeated.

“Hi yes, sorry, um I’m calling to ask about a cat that went missing this morning. Large, orange, male.” Brendon talked into the phone quietly as to not wake Ryan, or the cat he so intensely loathed. He had already had a bad day. His bandmates wee being bitchy, the label was on its period, and none of the songs sounded right. Then of course Ryan had to call and steal a godforsaken cat of all things. 

“Yes, I know the one. Do you have information on his whereabouts?” the lady asked. Brendon counted his blessings in his head.

“Yes. My partner he uh… accidentally… uh… Well the cat somehow got into the car and it’s at our house and I was wondering if he was up for adoption. I’ll fill out all the forms.” Brendon cursed in his head. There was a rustle of papers and some keyboard clicking over the line before the lady announced,

“You are in luck. He is up for adoption. We do require you bring the cat here for a last minute check up, and fill out some papers.” This time, Brendon audibly sighed.

“Alright. Thank you.” He hung up. He hung his head in shame, as the cat gave him an all knowing smirk. In reality, the cat was probably just staring at him, but to Brendon, that cat was just being a know it all. He strode over to the couch and poked Ryan in the face. Ryan jumped, and the cat fled. Brendon watched it stream back into the bedroom, tail swinging cheekily. 

“W-what the fffffuck do you want, Bren?” Ryan asked sleepily. 

“We’re going to the Spca in five. Let’s go,” he muttered, walking over to the coat rack. Ryan groaned and face planted back onto the couch. 

“I will drag you if I have to,” Brendon grumbled, sulking towards the door.

“What about the cat?” Ryan asked.

“Go get him. You brought him here, you go get him,” Brendon hissed and walked outside. 

“I’ll be in the car,” he mumbled, knowing Ryan wouldn’t hear him even if he shouted.

Fifteen minutes and one cat chase later, the three were settled in the car. Ryan grumbled something under his breath as he buckled his seat belt. Brendon rolled his eyes, trying his best not shout. It would wreck his voice, and he knew Ryan didn’t like it when he shouted. He bit his tongue while he looked over directions to the Spca. The cat started meowing loudly from the pet carrier Ryan had bought in a vain attempt to persuade Brendon into getting a pet. It had not worked.

“Ryan I swear to God I will kill something if that cat scratches my car,” Brendon threatened. It irked Ryan that he had said ‘something’ as opposed to someone. 

“It’s our car. And if you just threatened that cat I will kill you,” Ryan growled, voice dropping several octaves. Brendon snapped.

“Ryan will you just shut up! I’ve had what can very well qualify for the shittiest day ever, and then you force me to come home early, which, by the way, got me in a fuck ton of trouble for a fucking cat you and Spencer stole. I’m really not feeling it right now,” Brendon barked. Ryan looked at him for a second, before unclipping his seat belt and getting out. He slammed the car door and walked inside. The front door slammed behind him. Brendon groaned and dropped his head onto the steering wheel. The car horn beeped. From the back seat, the cat hissed. Brendon whipped around and glared at the cat, caged, orange lump of a feline in his back seat.

“I am not taking sass from you, thank you very much.” Brendon hissed back, and started the car. The cat hissed back at the back of Brendon’s head. 

“Famous Last Words,” Brendon mumbled, smirking in his rear view mirror.

Brendon had assured himself he was not a lame person who talked to animals, but there seemed to be something about that big orange ball of fuzz in his backseat. He talked to the cat the entire way. He only noticed this when he began to get weird looks inside the Spca. He flushed considerably when he realized how stupid he looked. The doubt Brendon had felt earlier, has disappeared over the course of the the drive, which had been riddled with traffic. Brendon, who spent a majority of his commute swearing at terrible drivers, had enjoyed its longevity. He strode up the front desk confidently. 

“Hi there. I spoke to someone on the phone earlier about this cat we- I… found.” The young lady smiled. 

“Yes that was me. You have Jared?” Brendon made a face.

“His name is Jared?” he scrutinized. 

“Yes. Did you not read the name tag?” Brendon hadn’t even realized he had a name tag. He was just ‘the cat’ to Brendon. Brendon raised his eyebrows and shrugged. The lady gave him an odd look.

“Hm. Did I hear you mention that you wanted to adopt him?” she asked, going over papers. Brendon gulped and looked at the cat who was apparently called Jared. Jared glared at him from under his fuzzy orange eyebrows.

“Are we allowed to change his name?” he asked. The lady smiled and gave him a sparkling grin. He broadly smiled back. He began to think this wouldn’t be nearly as bad as he thought. 

//

"C’mon Freddie. Let’s go home,” Brendon smiled and the cat meowed approvingly. 

//

Half an hour later, Brendon unlocked the front door, cat carriage in hand. He had a bag of cat items slung over his shoulder, and his other arm was possibly being broken by the weight of a box of cat litter. He flat out dropped the key on the floor and kicked the door shut. Of course, the first thing he saw when he walked in was a blanket and a pillow on the couch. Ryan was relentless. Brendon looked at his new cat and sighed. 

“You better work miracles.” Brendon could’ve sworn Freddie rolled his eyes at him. He set down the cat carrier and dropped the bags on the floor. There was no noise in the house, and Brendon wasn’t entirely sure Ryan was even home. He pulled Freddie out of the cage and into his arms. He was a big baby, Brendon decided, and he would respect his laziness. Freddie purred in Brendon’s arms.

“Don’t get too comfy, you oaf. This is a special treat because I shouted at my boyfriend. Which was also technically your fault.” Freddie growled. 

“I swear you can understand English,” Brendon mumbled, knocking on the bedroom door. There was no noise inside, so he pushed the door open slowly. All the lights were off, and the setting sun laced the room with an orange glow. 

“Brendon don’t even set foot in here. You’re on the couch,” Ryan murmured from the pillow. Brendon sent him a sad look he was entirely sure Ryan didn’t see. Unless Ryan had eyes on the back of his head. Brendon was open-minded about that.

“Okay, fine. But what about him?” Ryan sat bolt upright and flipped on a light. Freddie jumped out of Brendon’s arms and landed with a thud, not stopping until he reached Ryan. Ryan looked at Brendon with a childish grin on his face. 

“I’m not forgiving you for shouting at me but… thank you.” Ryan smiled meekly.

“Does that mean I’m allowed to cross the evil line of death and enter OUR bedroom?” Brendon asked, exasperated. Ryan only smiled. Brendon didn’t care about whether that was a yes or no, he just walked right in. He flopped onto the bed and crawled over to the two.

“Never thought I’d have two boys in my bed at once,” Brendon hummed. Ryan gasped and shoved him off the bed.

“You are so disgusting!” Ryan laughed. Brendon cackled from the floor. Freddie was clearly not enjoying all the rough housing, and had pinned his ears back.

“Brendon come up here you’re agitating him. Wait- what’s him name?” Ryan watched Brendon climb back onto the bed.

“Well his name was Jared, but that’s not a good cat name, so I picked Freddie instead.” Ryan looked from the cat to Brendon skeptically.

“Freddie? That’s not really a cat name- oh my god Brendon tell me you did not name him Freddie Mercury. Brendon.” Ryan glared at him.

“Ryan I think you need to learn just how important Freddie Mercury is to me,” Brendon fired back. Ryan flopped back down on the bed, groaning. Brendon laid down next to him and stroked Freddie gently. His fur was extraordinarily soft for a cat, or so Brendon thought. He didn’t have a whole lot of experience with cats or naming cats.

“Brendon, no. We are not having a cat named Freddie Mercury. I think he’s pretty great as well, but there’s a line, Bren,” Ryan groaned. Brendon knew this tantrum would come, but wasn’t worried about it. He almost always won.

“I vote Crookshanks,” Ryan said suddenly. 

“Ryan, no. We are not naming him after a cat from a book. At least Freddie is a real person.” 

“Exactly! He shouldn’t be named after a person because he’s a CAT!” Ryan replied. Brendon groaned. It was getting sort of late and he didn’t have the patience for this right now. 

“Can we, for once, skip the argument and just fuck?” Brendon asked, staring up at Ryan. Ryan was a little taken aback by this and a little startled. He quickly regained his composure and smirked. 

“Only if you agree to Crookshanks,” Ryan demanded. Brendon could not believe him, but he was running out of patience and could only afford to fight back for so long.

“Isn’t Crookshanks a girl in Harry Potter? Do we even know?” Brendon complained. 

“Crookshanks is a fictional character with a badass name, so it doesn’t matter,” Ryan contended, stomach flipping at the lost look in Brendon’s eyes. Ryan leaned over the cat and pushed their faces together. Brendon pushed forward to kiss him, but Ryan held him down.

“Pick your battles, Bren.” Brendon gave Ryan one last, long stare before giving in. And for that, Brendon was rewarded.


End file.
